Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Sad Sorta Bubbling...

I'm kinda sad.
It's 12:35 a.m.-- which means two things:

ONE: I've already missed the "in bed in time to NOT feel nauseaus" when I arise at 6 a.m. gym time in the morning..

And TWO: My Mothers Day 2010 is officially over.
It was a lovely, relaxing, bright sunny-shiney day filled with my darling, cheery bouqet (in a cute vase even).. my hands and feet shimmering in utter perfection from yesterdays mani-pedi (Why does having someone else file and paint your toes NEVER get old?) new "Viva La Juicy" perfume (I've never owned any "true" Juicy item. Suddenly I feel hipper.) a tasty trip to the local Sizzler (Mmmm. So good. So Sizzler.)and some precious alone time on a really nice jog through town, with no promises about when I'd be back. (For as social a creature I tend to be.. HOW I love me some alone time.)
Yes. A very good day. And now it's OVER. Boo, hoo.
Guess we'll always have next year.

Wait. I'm sad about one more thing.

THREE: I miss my own Mom.
My adorable, adoring, loved my guts out, Mom.
I really, really, liked having her here.
I get so used to not, having her, here, anymore.. that sometimes when I remember-- realize, and let myself really go there.. I can't believe she's gone all over again.
Today I had friends with plans to get together with their Moms.. and visited with a friend that had her Mom over, etc. etc... but I've been able to somehow, the last few years.. just focus on the sweet gestures of my own kids and husband, towards me, on Mothers Day.
It's easier-- lighter that way. In fact I find myself not really thinking about, or dwelling on my Mom, all she was-- and all I miss-- for any real period of time, ever, lately.
I'll mention something that reminds me of her to my kids here and there.. point out that she loved a certain candy or repeated a certain phrase.. and then I move on. Function.
Carry on.
I don't want to feel the sad.. don't want to bring the low-laying void in my heart.. my longing to hear her on the phone.. or feel her own cheek on mine--
to the surface.
But it bubbled up today.
A sweet friend of mine remembered me saying that my Mom had always got me a certain kind of face lotion for special occassions.. and after she recently got a small sample of it with a purchase.. my friend gave it to me with a little card to wish me a Happy Mothers Day.
Just looking at the font on the container..
just smelling it when I screwed off the cap.
It bubbled up in me.
A melonchaly kinda swell of emotion.
A surge of unexpected tears.. nostalgia.
I pulled it together. Appreciated the reminder.
And went on with my day.
But tonight.. in the quiet.. it's bubbling up again.
And while I hate to be a downer on my own lovely day.. and feel like maybe I should just go get in bed like every other Sunday night.. a part of me needs to somehow validate her.
Recognize her.
Honor her.
Even if it's just in typed words on my silly blog.

My Mom was nice.
She was so, so nice.
When I asked my two big boys what they remember about sweet Bee-Bee..
they just repeat, "She was just, so, nice."
She loved us.
OH.. how she loved us.
She would literally clap when we entered her home.
Hold her cheeks in pleasure that we were there.
She would hug me like only a Mom hugs you.
Like no matter where you've been.. or what you've been up to..
you are hers-- and she is proud..
and you are truly, deeply, treasured.
She was fun.. and funny.
Upbeat, and creative, and always, always, doing.
She kept a beautiful, tidy home.
She loved bright, cheerful colors.. and crisp, clean dress and decor.
She loved gatherings. Parties. Celebrations.
Everything from the first day of school, to a return home from college,
demanded a hand-penned poster and decorations.
She had class, but was never snooty.
Had taste, and a knack for decorating anything from a house to a wedding..
and would help anyone do either.
She played piano and wrote lyrics and poetry..
skits and plays.
She was great to be around.
I adored her.
And felt adored by her.

I miss her.

Tonight, I could use her reassuring voice and genuine concern.
Her unconditional love.. her willingness to listen.
Her silent promise to always be on my side.
I remember she was in her 50's when her own Mom died.. and I remember there being days in later years, when she would express
"Even when your a grown-up, everyone needs thier Mom sometimes."
I do. Tonight.
I need my Mom.
I'm ever grateful for the 32 years I got to have her.. and I know all would say she's still with me-- and I get that.
But it's not the same.
Not even close.
Tonight I just want to lay in her lap.
Have her stroke my hair.
Talk about everything that's important.. and stuff that's not.
I can imagine the color her nails are painted.
The bracelets she's wearing.
Everything about her.
And I miss it all.

Tomorrow will come..
and as she always promised,
"It's always better in the morning."
And I'm sure it will be.
But tonight.. I'm gonna let myself miss her bad.
I'm gonna let my eyes stay blurry from tears just a little longer.
Let snot run down my lips and not care so much.
I might just sob in a pillow.

Cause she was my Mom.
And I feel like I don't have one any more.
And I really, really, miss having one.
Miss having her, as mine.

I love you my Mom.
Happy Mothers Day.
Thank you for everything you were to me, everyday you were here.

I'm going to bubble over now.