Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Sad Sorta Bubbling...

I'm kinda sad.
It's 12:35 a.m.-- which means two things:

ONE: I've already missed the "in bed in time to NOT feel nauseaus" when I arise at 6 a.m. gym time in the morning..

And TWO: My Mothers Day 2010 is officially over.
It was a lovely, relaxing, bright sunny-shiney day filled with my darling, cheery bouqet (in a cute vase even).. my hands and feet shimmering in utter perfection from yesterdays mani-pedi (Why does having someone else file and paint your toes NEVER get old?) new "Viva La Juicy" perfume (I've never owned any "true" Juicy item. Suddenly I feel hipper.) a tasty trip to the local Sizzler (Mmmm. So good. So Sizzler.)and some precious alone time on a really nice jog through town, with no promises about when I'd be back. (For as social a creature I tend to be.. HOW I love me some alone time.)
Yes. A very good day. And now it's OVER. Boo, hoo.
Guess we'll always have next year.

Wait. I'm sad about one more thing.

THREE: I miss my own Mom.
My adorable, adoring, loved my guts out, Mom.
I really, really, liked having her here.
I get so used to not, having her, here, anymore.. that sometimes when I remember-- realize, and let myself really go there.. I can't believe she's gone all over again.
Today I had friends with plans to get together with their Moms.. and visited with a friend that had her Mom over, etc. etc... but I've been able to somehow, the last few years.. just focus on the sweet gestures of my own kids and husband, towards me, on Mothers Day.
It's easier-- lighter that way. In fact I find myself not really thinking about, or dwelling on my Mom, all she was-- and all I miss-- for any real period of time, ever, lately.
I'll mention something that reminds me of her to my kids here and there.. point out that she loved a certain candy or repeated a certain phrase.. and then I move on. Function.
Carry on.
I don't want to feel the sad.. don't want to bring the low-laying void in my heart.. my longing to hear her on the phone.. or feel her own cheek on mine--
to the surface.
But it bubbled up today.
A sweet friend of mine remembered me saying that my Mom had always got me a certain kind of face lotion for special occassions.. and after she recently got a small sample of it with a purchase.. my friend gave it to me with a little card to wish me a Happy Mothers Day.
Just looking at the font on the container..
just smelling it when I screwed off the cap.
It bubbled up in me.
A melonchaly kinda swell of emotion.
A surge of unexpected tears.. nostalgia.
I pulled it together. Appreciated the reminder.
And went on with my day.
But tonight.. in the quiet.. it's bubbling up again.
And while I hate to be a downer on my own lovely day.. and feel like maybe I should just go get in bed like every other Sunday night.. a part of me needs to somehow validate her.
Recognize her.
Honor her.
Even if it's just in typed words on my silly blog.

My Mom was nice.
She was so, so nice.
When I asked my two big boys what they remember about sweet Bee-Bee..
they just repeat, "She was just, so, nice."
She loved us.
OH.. how she loved us.
She would literally clap when we entered her home.
Hold her cheeks in pleasure that we were there.
She would hug me like only a Mom hugs you.
Like no matter where you've been.. or what you've been up to..
you are hers-- and she is proud..
and you are truly, deeply, treasured.
She was fun.. and funny.
Upbeat, and creative, and always, always, doing.
She kept a beautiful, tidy home.
She loved bright, cheerful colors.. and crisp, clean dress and decor.
She loved gatherings. Parties. Celebrations.
Everything from the first day of school, to a return home from college,
demanded a hand-penned poster and decorations.
She had class, but was never snooty.
Had taste, and a knack for decorating anything from a house to a wedding..
and would help anyone do either.
She played piano and wrote lyrics and poetry..
skits and plays.
She was great to be around.
I adored her.
And felt adored by her.

I miss her.

Tonight, I could use her reassuring voice and genuine concern.
Her unconditional love.. her willingness to listen.
Her silent promise to always be on my side.
I remember she was in her 50's when her own Mom died.. and I remember there being days in later years, when she would express
"Even when your a grown-up, everyone needs thier Mom sometimes."
I do. Tonight.
I need my Mom.
I'm ever grateful for the 32 years I got to have her.. and I know all would say she's still with me-- and I get that.
But it's not the same.
Not even close.
Tonight I just want to lay in her lap.
Have her stroke my hair.
Talk about everything that's important.. and stuff that's not.
I can imagine the color her nails are painted.
The bracelets she's wearing.
Everything about her.
And I miss it all.

Tomorrow will come..
and as she always promised,
"It's always better in the morning."
And I'm sure it will be.
But tonight.. I'm gonna let myself miss her bad.
I'm gonna let my eyes stay blurry from tears just a little longer.
Let snot run down my lips and not care so much.
I might just sob in a pillow.

Cause she was my Mom.
And I feel like I don't have one any more.
And I really, really, miss having one.
Miss having her, as mine.

I love you my Mom.
Happy Mothers Day.
Thank you for everything you were to me, everyday you were here.

I'm going to bubble over now.


Candice said...

You are such a wonderful gal!! Your kids are lucky to have you, you are fun and funny and just plain woonderful!!

Anna said...

Tho I just got a small glimmer of your mother, she was amazing. I loved seeing the bond between the two of you! The most amazing thing is, when you describe your mother in your post, I think of you! You are so much she was. You're children are blessed to have a devoted, fun mom as you are! You are carrying on her memory... miss you girl!

The Johnson's said...

Your post made my cry--real tears!! (here I am at work crying!). Mother's Day is a hard day for me--I don't feel like I measure up to be half the mother I wanted to be. I had sad thoughts remembering my friend who left four beautiful children two months ago--I am sure they had such a rough day. I have my mother--close by actually--I need to spend more time with her as we just never know! Thanks for your post!

Clarice said...

I imagine she was a pretty amazing mom to have a daughter like you. I can't imagine the sadness you are feeling, but hope the knowledge you will be able to see her again helps a little bit.

The Clayburn Family said...

Stop it! You are making us all cry!!! I miss your mom too. She is one person that I think of often. Seeing her leading the music our first week in Chesterfield Ward was soooo exciting to me. Having her be a part of the Singles Branch was sooo wonderful to me. We spent a lot of time in her home and just like you said . . . knew how to throw a party, even it was really just FHE. Every Easter I think of your Mom when I see Starburst Jelly Beans. Every time I see gingham I think of your Mom. When I see Mary Englebrit items I think of your Mom. I could go on and on. What a wonderful Mother you HAVE and what a wonderful Mother she raised in you. I am sure you are just as special to those around you as your Mom was to many of us. Reading this post gives me motivation to be a better mom and friend!!! OH! SIDE NOTE: Someone in my ward here in KY just moved here from MN and knows the Bautistas's (sp?) - you know, the Eddington Restaurant peeps? Cool, huh?? How I could go for one of their breadsticks now!!!!

Emma Jo said...

Let me pause my own blubbering a little to wish you a dearly late Happy Mother's Day, and continue on in my blubbering now to say, you know you are just like her, right? That you and your sister personify her creativity, her glow, her energy, her fun. Just seeing you guys is her. You are her. Go ahead, miss your Mom, you are entitled because she is everything you said, even to her neices. But be reassured by the fact that WE all still have a bit of her here in you. I love you!!

Derek and Bre said...

That was a beautiful post and I am glad you said that you miss her and need her. I remember one of the first times I met you at church you told a story about your Mom, I can tell how much you love her...and I can tell what an amazing person she was because when you talk about her your love is simply and sweetly overwhelming. Thank you for being willing to share the hard moments with us.

My Crazy Life said...

Wow what an amazing post of your mom. It made me cry! It's so hard when you really have something you need to talk to only your mom about and can't. Your amazing yourself! so know you got so many traits from your mom and love that she can still be with you that way. Love ya girl.

Heather Zwygart said...

What a great post thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You are amazing.

Brynne said...

I can't wait to meet your Mom. I really feel like I already know her. And part of that is because you are so much like the way you describe her. I love you both! (Side note: Spencer is all concerned wondering why I am crying in the middle of the day while typing on my computer!) I think it's so therapeutic to just let all the pent-up emotion out and cry over those we miss sometimes, and cry hard. I still cry about missing my Dad every once in a while and it's almost been 10 years.

Your kids will be writing posts just like this about you someday. Ok, maybe just Sophie because boys would never express their feelings so openly! :) I'm so glad you are carrying her legacy--the needs more people like that!!

Brynne said...

That last sentence should say "the WORLD needs more people like that!"

Amy Lynn said...

You perfectly captured the very essence of your mom! Every time Hannah is wearing big crisp bows or a cute new tulip dress from Gymboree, every time I see cute gingham or bright balloons, every time I'm asked to write a skit or come up with a "chant" for girl's camp, I think of your mom and one of my very favorite people. But I love that when I see you and your sister, I don't feel like she is so far away. You are SO much her! Beautiful, funny, excited, enthusiastic...I have truly spent a lifetime adoring everything about you Jollys.

And now I have to go clean a little snot off my face.

me and him said...

i just spent the last twenty minutes emailing my mom who his worlds away. i felt so sorry for myself that i can't lay my head on her lap right now and let her run her fingers through my hair. i wanted to cry at the fact that on mothers day i got a short phone call while others got parties and lavish dinners with their mothers. then i read your post. i feel small amounts of your pain and it makes me so sad to know you blubber sometimes just like me. but i realized that we both have the same thing to look forward too....the reunion, though they will be different in form, i'm sure they will feel just the same. hopefully we can both take the time to just embrace our blubbery moments of our mothers and remember all that makes them special. thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. it helped me!

mo said...

Can I just say that we never get over missing her either. It just doesn't seem right. I just have to hope she is very much aware of you and all that you are doing. I don't blame you for missing her like crazy. She was a one of a kind mom and loved her kids and grandkids more that life itself. Your post is a great tribute that captures her spirit to a T.

Becks said...

Hi Katy, I haven't visited your blog in ages but I've been thinking of you and so loved reading your beautiful Mother's Day post. I second what Emily and Amy said and everything you said. Your mom was one of my best friends in my early life and everyone who knows her feels the same way! You are so blessed to be her daughter, and I know she gets to check in on you from time to time, because that's how she is. I'm sure she's so proud of you.

Next time you come to Salt Lake (if your kids can stand the drive!) let me know, because I would so love to see you!